Friday, June 17, 2011

A life worth living

I disappeared again,

I am sorry.

I have been around and stalking you all just being antisocial and not commenting much.

Actually that pretty much sums up my life at the moment.

Around when I have to be, but anti social and hiding whenever possible.

I got back from a trip to Sydney last night for work and I was anti social while I was there, hid in my room with room service for brekkie and dinner, opted out of joining the others at the pub while we waited for our flight home and stayed in the hotel lobby reading and playing solitaire on my phone.

That is how I have typically been behaving lately and finally it dawned on me that I am probably suffering a bit of depression following everything I have been through during the last year. I suffered slight post natal depression after I had Nicholas, I didn’t realise anything was wrong but the doctor picked it up during one of my post natal checkups. She recommended that I make myself get out and be active and social. The exercise boosts your feel good endorphins and being social ensures that you have lots of opportunities to chat and not dwell inward for too long.

On top of the anti social tendencies I also noticed that I really struggled with making rushed decisions, really simple things like what pizzas to order for dinner when we had family over to watch the footy or one morning on my way out the door to work Nick reminded me that his folks were coming for dinner and asked me what we were going to eat. I hadn’t thought about it at all and I was running late and I found it all too hard and snapped! I did apologise once I got to work and had calmed down but it shouldn’t have happened and normally I don’t get flustered over such a little thing.

So I need to get out and exercise and I need to be more social, Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t spent the last few weeks holed up in my room in my pj’s, I have actually been quite busy and around a lot of people. A weekend conference, meetings, church, lunching with friends, dinner with friends and family but the whole time I have been around people, including at work I feel like I haven’t connected and have been there in body but not in spirit. I can have a conversation with someone and nod and smile and sympathise at all the right times but then when they leave I have heard what they said but I haven’t really connected. Does that make sense? That needs to change and I need to consciously make that change and keep making the decision until it is natural again.

So while I am working on cheering up I will be round to visit and comment,
not just silently slip by.

Have a lovely weekend.


Image 1, 2, 3 & 4


  1. Anonymous17 June, 2011

    Hi my sweet girl. I have been thinking of you and wishing you well in body and spirit! You are still grieving and depression is apart of the process. I know how you feel with the depression part, I've suffered with it since my early teens, and it is hard to connect with others when your feeling down. Things will look up again, give yourself as much time as you need and take care of yourself!!! I love you sweetie,I'm here if you need to talk.

  2. Darling Nellie, Thank you for such an honest post. I understand what you're describing and it's totally normal when you've been through the year you've been through. I think it's a great idea to try those tips you listed. Be kind and patient on yourself too though. You are still in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you start to feel a bit more back to life soon - you are very brave and courageous in my eyes! Big hugs,

  3. Be kind to yourself Nellie and take your time xx

  4. Nellie, at least you can recognise it and actively do something about it. I think that is the first step! Good on you and just keep plugging away, I am sure it will get easier soon. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. Have a lovely weekend. xx

  5. Don't be too hard on yourself Nellie, you've been through a lot. It's good that you are able to step back and take a look at how you have been feeling and acting and how you have given yourself some small steps to work towards. Thinking of you always, Amanda x

  6. Nellie, sweet girl, you are totally excused and I hereby give you full permission to lurk away as much as you like.
    Now you have recognised what is going on for you, just concentrate and getting yourself where you need to be. We will all be here for you when and where ever you pop in.

  7. Hi Nellie,
    What you are going through is normal and over time you will feel better. When I had a miscarriage three years ago I felt a lot like this for about 5 or 6 months and eventually spoke to my GP about it and broke down. I felt stupid as I always try to be so strong but she told me she felt exactly the same way when she had suffered a miscarriage too. Talking to her made me feel better and after that the feelings of despair and sadness began to fade. You need to take time, talk to friends or family and mend your broken heart. Things will get better with time but it's all still fresh for you now. A few months from now you'll be back to your old self but right now you need to go through this process so that you can come out stronger the other side. And stop beating yourself up! You're only human and so many of us have been through things - we are all here for an online chat which may be a good start until you are ready to talk face to face with people.
    Sending you love,

  8. Nellie, not only are you grieving, but your body is dealing with hormones...a double whammy. It's going to take some time to feel like getting back into things. The only thing you can do wight now is surround yourself with supportive people and you will drift back in when you are ready. At least you are out and about, and yes the sunshine and going outside will boost you.

    Have a good weekend.


  9. Hi nellie,
    you poor thing, you have been through a lot in the year. So good that your doctor picked up on it so soon. Is the exercise helping you? I know that this was what i was advised to do initially when i saw the dr about depression (not a good one actually) but it just didnt really do a whole lot for me ... I hope it does the trick for you though. have to go nellie unfortunately - seb is calling me and wont wait!... You are in my thoughts lovely, laura xxx

  10. Gracious for all the trials your world has had it's going to take time. Sometimes we can't see light at the end of the tunnel but believing it exists is a leap of faith.

  11. Don't be hard on yourself honey. I think you're likely traumatised by what happened. When I suffered from trauma I found it extremely difficult to be amongst people, make decisions. Socialising is a real boost but the nature of trauma is different to depression and you just need to give yourself some time. You'll know when you can and when you can't, you're a very self aware person. We're all here for you, sending you lots of love..Rachaelxx

  12. Take care of you Nellie however you need to do it. Its your journey but know there are a lot of warm arms wrapped around you along the way. Thinking of you.
    Rebecca x

  13. What a wonderful honest post. I too suffered postnatal and went through the withdrawal, just couldn't face things and found it hard to make decisions. It is perfectly understandable after what you have been through recently. Take your time, look after yourself. Thinking of you. Gx

  14. you just take care of yourself and come visiting when you are ready!