Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Good Bye My Precious

It was the first Thursday of the school holidays and Nicholas was at work with me, I was looking forward to having lunch with him but first a quick toilet break.

Something is not right, I felt something stretch and then pop and clear fluid starts leaking into the toilet. There was no pain and no blood. I tried very hard not to panic and rang the doctor. They told me to come straight in. I left Nicholas at work with a brief explanation so he wouldn’t worry too much and walked around the corner to the doctors.

I relaxed a little, the fluid stopped leaking and the doctor saw me. He checked on you and it was the first time that I heard your heart beat. It might be ok, you’re still alive and the leaking has stopped. Don’t panic, I will have an ultrasound and we will find out what happened.

Given that the next day is Good Friday the doctor recommends that I go to the hospital to get an ultrasound, that way they are aware of the circumstances just in case.

As I walk back to work I am devastated to feel that I am losing a lot more fluid. I call Dad, he collects Nicholas and me then we head to the hospital.

We get to the hospital around 1.30pm and we’re informed that there a few people before us and the couple waiting the longest have been there just under 5 hours, so we settle in. Despite the fact that the Dr spoke to the gynaecologist on duty we have to be seen by a rostered emergency Dr first.

Just before 4pm we are hustled through to have an ultrasound as they finish at 4pm. I get to see you again and my hopes rise a bit. You are alive and kicking however there is no amniotic fluid around you. I’m not told a lot at this stage and I have to go and wait for the Dr to see me.

It is not good news, there is not fluid around you and without the amniotic fluid your lungs can not develop. You are not quite at 18 weeks and your lungs don’t develop fully until 24 weeks. There is a very small possibility that the membranes will repair and the fluid will be replaced but we need to wait and see. The Dr’s main concern is for me as I am at a great risk of infection and they want to put me on antibiotics straight away and monitor me.

The best chance you have is for me to be on bed rest in order for the ruptured membranes to heal and for the fluid to be replaced so I am admitted to hospital.

We are all praying that God will grant us a miracle and that you will survive.

I am resting and Dad and Nicholas visit us every day. They have Easter Sunday lunch in the hospital with us and your Babooshka. We joke that it is a memorable Easter lunch and definitely a first for us.

We get to hear your heartbeat again and this time it is a first for Dad and Nicholas. I am able to feel you kicking more and more and I love it.

The public holidays are over and on Wednesday morning I am booked in for an Ultrasound. The results are not good. You’re still with us but you still have no fluid around you, your leg is down in the cervix and it is starting to open.

The Dr’s don’t want to induce if they can avoid it, it is much better for me if I go into spontaneous labour, I have until Friday and then they will reassess the situation.

I am so upset, we don’t know why this has happened, there was no sign of infection and you seem to be healthy apart from your lungs not being developed. We continue to pray for a miracle.

It is Thursday night, I know you are still with me because I can feel you kicking. I saw you again this morning and both of your legs are moving down. I am praying now that I don’t need to make a decision tomorrow and that the Lord either heals the membranes or starts the labour.

I say good bye to you. I know this is it and I am so thankful for the extra week I had with you to feel you kicking and moving around.

In the morning I wake up without pain however when I go to the toilet I notice that your cord is coming out. The Dr confirms that it is the umbilical cord and it is not pulsating so you are now dead. He can also feel your leg on its way out.

I am given some drugs to help with the labour and you are born at 12.03pm. We are given time with you to say good bye. You are perfectly formed and I can even see your toenails. I love you and I am so sorry I was not able to bring you home with me.



 
Good bye my precious little boy.

I will see you in heaven one day.

Mum

xx

70 comments:

  1. I can't put into words how I feel for you all right now. Crying for a friend I've not had the luck to meet yet. I am so saddened by your loss. I'll be thinking of you. Sending hugs xx

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  2. My sweet Nellie, I feel so much pain and saddness for you right now and with tears in my eyes, I can't even imagine how you are dealing with your loss. Be strong sweetie, thinking of you all xx

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  3. Nellie, Nellie...I am so, so sorry for you and your family. I have no words for you...none that will help anyway. How you had the strength and composure to write that beautiful post I will never know. Blessings to you all xx

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Gemma x

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  5. Oh Nellie, I'm so sorry honey....oh how I wish I could physically hug you...let you cry, take your pain, make it all right, but Praise God...HE is holding your sweet babe right now...
    I'll be praying for you and your family, for healing, and for comfort.
    In Christ,
    Doni

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  6. Oh Nellie, how my heart breaks for you my sweet. ....no words just big hugs and prayers..He will be taking care of your precious boy..Such a beautifully written post... Kym XOX

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  7. oh sweetie i am so sorry to hear the news..my heart breaks for you, I'm so sorry for your loss,i have no words but say i'm so sorry.sending you some great big hugs, thinking of you and your family xx

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  8. Dear Nellie, I am so sorry to hear your sadness and send you and Nicholas and your family big hugs with warm arms. Prayers for your sweet little boy. Thinking of you.
    Rebecca xo

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  9. Oh Nellie, my heart goes out to you and your family. I wish I knew the right words to comfort you. I had to walk away from the screen for a while as I couldn't see it for the tears. I am so so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you. Michelle xx

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  10. Nellie I am totally devastated for you. I dont know how you had the strength to write that post. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  11. oh, nellie, i kept hoping all the way through your post that the end would be something good. I am so so sad for you... Your poor precious little baby, i hope he has met my sam up there. Sam can show him the ropes~ look after him and hold him and tell him what he has to look forward to!! I know how much it hurts, i am aching for you now, i know the next few months, years and at certain times of the year, the pain wont ever leave. But you do eventually learn how to live with the pain.... you dont need to worry about that now; just look after yourself and take the time you need to grieve.Think about your boy, cry, do everything you need to do to honour him...
    Praying for you sweetie, know that we are thinking of you.. and here for you...
    hugs, Laura xxx

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  12. Oh Nellie I am so sorry for your loss and for your family too. So sad, tears are rolling and I don't know what to say except to let you know I am thinking of you. Take care sweet girl.X Deb

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  13. Dearest Nellie,
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little boy. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Such sadness for you all to endure, in time I hope that your grief will ease.
    Thinking of you.
    Donna xx

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  14. Oh Nellie, I just don;t know what to say. I have no words that I think could comfort you. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your baby boy.

    My thoughts and parayers are with you and your family.

    Chania

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  15. over to visit from razmataz. my prayers are with you.

    donna

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  16. Oh sweet Nellie. I have no words, only tears for you sweet girl. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear precious little son. May God bless you and your family. I am sending you all my thoughts and love.

    Tina xx

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  17. Darling Nellie...my heart aches for you so much right now..and I am so so sorry that something so profound and heartbreaking has happened to you and your family.
    I cannot even fathom how you must be feeling right now..all I can do is pray for you sweetheart..and hope that in time your heart will heal.
    You are so brave and strong..and already so thankful for the time you did have with your little boy...now your little angel.
    Sending lots of love and positive light your way sweetheart.

    Much Love , Anna x

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  18. Came over from Razmataz. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. Praying for you...

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  19. Oh Nellie, i can only imagine the sadness you all must be feeling right now. This was such a beautiful post to honour your precious baby boy. You are such a brave woman, I wish I could console you in some way. my thoughts are with you along with a giant cyber hug. take care xxx

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  20. nellie nellie........
    after getting your email my eyes were teary
    after reading this post i have the ugly cry going on
    i wish i could come and sit with you and paint your toes, we wouldn't need to talk just to sit there with you.......xxxxxxx

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  21. Nellie,no words!...so sad!
    Prayers in Jesus name!
    ~Jo
    LazyonLoblolly

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  22. Nellie,
    I have absolutely no words.....

    Northern Light

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  23. Oh my dear sweet Nellie,
    I am truly so sorry for your loss. I am sitting here crying for you and your family and sweet little angel. Please know that my heart goes out to you.
    I have no other words my sweet friend.
    With lots of love,
    Melinda

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  24. Oh Nellie, I'm so very sorry and wish I could give you a hug or find the right words to comfort you.

    Thinking of you!

    Kat

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  25. There are no words to express my sadness for you and your family. My heart aches for you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  26. There are no words that can ease your pain - only time and memories. You will think of you son often, wonder what kind of a son, man, father, he would have been but those thoughts will be with joy and love and without tears and pain. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  27. I am so sorry my dear.I don't know you, but I send my love through the ether.

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  28. My friend Chania told me one of her friends was hurting so I came over and after reading your words i want to extend my hand and heart in friendship to you and say how very sorry I am that you have lost your son.

    Prayers for you and your family surround you, may they begin to offer you comfort.

    Suzan

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  29. So sorry about the baby. So sad. (((((HUGS)))))

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  30. Tears in my eyes...what a sad new......your heart must be broken....wishing you streingth ......i will pray for you and your husband,...and family daarling.....and your little son....you sea him in heaven once......xxx...xxx...xxx...

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss. May God's comforting spirit be with you and your family.

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  32. Very sad. I am so sorry for your loss.
    Mark

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  33. i know i don't know you, but you are such a strong, courageous woman. i can't imagine anything more difficult than giving that birth. i'm so so sorry for your loss, and i know there's nothing i can say to help. just you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  34. oh my gosh - what can I possibly say that would mean anything right now? I wish I could just hug you right now xo

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  35. Nellie, sorry is inadequate, but the only word I can come up with at this time. You have so eloquently written your last days with baby and it is something I will remember for a long time. Hugs to all of you. Ann

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  36. I have just popped over following the link on Chania's blog. I just want to say - I am so sorry, my heart, thoughts and prayers go out for you and your family.

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  37. Nellie, I'm not even sure what to say. "I'm sorry" is not an adequate response, and telling you that God has a reason doesn't make it better either.

    You are a wonderful mother and I know that someday you will be the mother to another beautiful baby, just as you have been to your two boys.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  38. Came over from Chanias blog to say I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you peace and strength.

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  39. I came over from Razmataz, Nellie. I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. It's so terribly sad. I know what you're going through.
    Take care.

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  40. Nellie, I feel so very sad for you and your family. I know how exciting this time was for you all. I can't believe you wrote that beautiful post, you are so brave. I hope it helped in some small way. Thinking of you Nellie in this very sad time. xx

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  41. My heart goes out to you and your family .. I lost a baby too, a long time ago. They are always with you in a way.
    This is so sad, I am so sorry.
    Candice

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  42. Sweetheart I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the heaviness in your heart. My prayer is that God will comfort you and your family in this time of need.

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  43. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  44. Oh, sweet Nellie....I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. So very sorry. My heart was pounding while I was reading this post and the words, "Please let everything be ok for her...please, Lord," kept swirling around in my mind. When I got to the end, I was in tears. I so wish I was there to give embrace you in a sisterly hug and comfort you. What I will do is pray for you - and your darling little boy who is waiting for you in heaven. My love goes out to you and your family, Nellie, and may you feel God's loving embrace around you all. ♥

    xoxo laurie

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  45. Nellie, I am so sorry you are going through such pain right now. You wrote such a beautiful post. You are a strong woman with a big heart. Hugs to you my friend.

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  46. I am so very very sorry for your loss.
    As someone who has gone through a miscarriage I understand a little of your pain. But your little one was kicking and moving - so it a gazillion times worse. I send you the biggest blog hug and wish your family well in this horrible time.

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  47. This is my first time here, but I wanted to let you know that you and your precious baby are being thought of by so many people who are reading this blog. I cannot imagine your sorrow and have tears in my eyes for your loss. Even though I've never met you, I am a mother, too, and know that love that is born as soon as you know you're expecting a baby. A hug, Minnie

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  48. You brought a tear to my eye, I came from Northern Light's blog and I cannot express my deepest sympathy. I will light a candle for you tonight. Stay strong, Jess.

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  49. Oh Nellie, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must have been feeling when you were writing this, because I couldn't stop crying whilst reading it.
    I hope all these messages give you and your family some comfort.
    Maja xx

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  50. I came over from RAZMATAZ. I, too lost a baby, 12 years ago. I will never forget my angel and you won't either, although I have another child born since then and she fills my days and my heart! Please don't try to be too brave - let yourself mourn, it's an important part of healing. My prayers are for you today, along with the father who lost a son and the brother who lost a brother...

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  51. Nellie Love I am SO VERY sorry....I know how much you wanted this & how worried you were at the start....Words for once fail me & I only wish I was closer so I could give you a cuddle & hold you close....You know where I am if you need anything....

    Be strong GORGEOUS,
    Tamarah xxx

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  52. Nellie, I pray for comfort and peace for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.....It seems God needed his angel back with him in Heaven....Sending warm wishes your way my dear! Xoxoxo

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  53. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I'm so sad that this happened to you.

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  54. I too am so very very sorry for the loss to your sweet family.

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  55. nellie i don't know you at all.. but i am in tears right now for your pain. i am so sorry that this happened to you. hold your loved ones close.
    much love and warm wishes
    lindsay

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  56. Oh Nellie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and really feel for you, I was crying when I finished reading this beautiful post. My thoughts are with you and your family. Gxx

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  57. This is such a beautiful post. I wish you peace and love and hope that you can take from this great things. Your baby chose you. He had a special birthday that you will always remember and be able to celebrate. He was born into a room filled with love and he leaves you knowing no pain or unhappiness, just love. He leaves you with hope.

    I bought a print recently that said 'hope shines brightest in the darkest moments.' I think hope is a beautiful thing. I hope it pulls you through such a difficult time.

    Much love

    Tracey x

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  58. The strength you demonstrate in writing this post is utterly remarkable. You surely will meet up with him one day. My heart goes out to you.

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  59. Oh Nellie, how devastating. Your ability to share your experience so eloquently in this post is an amazing feat.

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  60. Dear Nellie, I am so sorry to hear you have lost your baby! I feel so sad for you and your family, I don't know you but I really can feel your pain. Take care and look after yourself. Mimi xxx

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  61. Nellie,
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers and you with, your husband and son. I hope you all find the strength and love to move on but never forget your little one.
    With love,
    Sam

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  62. I just read your post and I'm so very sorry for your loss. This is my first visit to your blog and I just can't seem to find the words ... I am so glad that you had that last week with your son, to bond and let him know how much you love him - I honestly believe little ones can hear us before they are born. Hugs to you and your family and it's so wonderful that you have those beautiful footprints to cherish always.

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  63. I don't know how I missed this post Nellie, but I obviously did. Just saw it by chance now, read it, loved it, so loving, but so horrible for you and your family. I do hope things are getting back to normal for you soon, I just can't imagine your sorrow right now. So glad you wrote about it, makes us ever so grateful for our kids. Hear from you soon I hope, Annie xxxxxxxxxxx BIG HUGS

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  64. Oh you poor sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Sorry too, that I've only just found out and haven't been able to send you my love and support before now. I hope you take some comfort in the thoughts and strength coming your way. Much love to you and your family, Kerri xxx

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  65. Ooooh, that is so terrible news! I'm so sorry I missed this. My thoughts are with you and much love to you!!!

    Kristin xxx

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  66. Oh Nellie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know I am late seeing this post but you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  67. Nellie,
    I only just now read this post, as I wasn't really actively reading blogs at this time in May. As I sit here writing this, tears drip down my cheeks. I am so sorry for you and your family. I have no idea how you found the strength to write this beautiful message to your little one. I admire your courage in sharing it and it will be with me forever. You will truly be in my prayers in 2012 for the blessings of a baby.

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  68. Oh Nellie, I didn't know. The way you have told Charlie's story is so eloquent, it was just heartbreaking reading it. Thoughts and prayers for Charlie and a new sibling. Emma x

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  69. Oh Nellie, I am so so sorry. I didn't realise you had been through such terrible heartache. Your words in this post are so beautiful, yet utterly heartbreaking.
    Sometimes I wish there was an explanation for why these awful things happen, but unfortunately there isn't. Time heals somewhat though. Big hugs xoxo

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  70. Oh Nellie..as I read your story I cry for all the mothers who have lost a child as you have xx

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